Considerations No.74

Hello everyone, nice and warm, we have another day and I'm starting my next story. This is a story from my life, it happened to me a few years ago. I am generally a calm and balanced person. Sometimes I have breakdowns for various reasons, this is a topic for another episode. There was a time in my life when I had to stop taking my medication for six months. I just had to recover and get my head together. However, six months is a long time when one is addicted to drugs. In the end, I felt a little crazy. I started to think intensively and create stories from my life. Fears for my or my relatives' life appeared. At one point I was sitting, thinking about how my father treated me in his youth and where it got me. I was angry with him, but not enough to hurt him, after all, it's the father. However, other thoughts came, I started to think that people would not forgive him for what he had done, even though I had forgiven him. I had the thought that some people would burst into the house and beat my father for me if I didn't. I imagined how they torture him, how they had no mercy about him, it scared me more and more. I fought with myself not to hit my father, but I was afraid for his life. Fear got the better of me, I was so wounded up that something terrible. I ran into the room and aimed at him and delivered the blow, I didn't want to hit him, so I was hoping a hand would fly somewhere to the side, my father shielded himself and wasn't hit by me, but the intention was there. I ran out of the room terrified of what I wanted to do. I locked myself in the room, sat and cried in my soul that what kind of person I am, when I raise my father's hand, I felt compelled to do so. I did something I didn't want to do. Father called the police, they came. At first they talked calmly with me. Then one officer threw himself at me, twisted my arm and handcuffed me. I was not aggressive then, I calmed down, I asked him to take off the handcuffs so that I could put on my shoes, because I was supposed to go out with them, but he did not agree. I asked my mother to put on and lace up my shoes, because they would lead me out in socks. I left with them calmly, handcuffed behind my hands. They took me to the ambulance and only then took off the handcuffs. I went to the hospital, in the hospital I said that I was fine, I tried to talk normally. However, they took me to a room without handles and told me to put my pajamas on. I changed and lay down on the bed, finally they came. There were three of them, I don't know what for, they held me by force even though I said that I would give myself an injection voluntarily. Later I fell asleep, the next day they transferred me to the observatory. I lay there for a while, they loaded me with drugs to calm me down. As far as I know, they gave me such doses that they couldn't get more, and they didn't work on me. I was still energized, but recovered. Later they moved me to the usual halls. There I met different types. Some of them were fine, but some of them are hard to talk. Once I had a situation where someone put a knife to my chest and started talking to my heart. I was standing, I didn't do anything, I didn't want to react because it could have ended differently, the guy finally got over it. If he had reacted aggressively, and he had reacted that way, he could have stabbed me in the neck or in my eye. Fortunately, nothing happened. I'm not going to go back to the hospital any more, but life is different. I only got myself together, I didn't put myself together until I got home. In the hospital, after taking drugs, I looked like death. My parents themselves saw what I look like after treatment. The police asked them to incapacitate me or to do miracles with me, they did not know that it was a single incident that had never happened before. Fortunately, my parents had a little headache and didn't waste my life, they didn't listen to the police, for which I thank them. If they had listened to them, it would have been me. Why am I writing this, so that they would read it sometime and know my reasons then what I did. They were to blame for themselves, because in their youth they did not treat me well, it took revenge later when I lost my mind. If you abuse someone, he may come back to you at a later date. I always draw conclusions from my actions, I know that I will not do it a second time because I do not make the same mistakes twice. Thanks to this, I learned something, but I paid a high price in the hospital and could pay a higher price. Thanks to this, I also realized that I am sick and I need to be treated. Thanks to this experience, I understood a lot and gained a lot. Man is only man and learns from his mistakes. To behave normally in schizophrenia, you have to go through a lot to understand it and to cope with this disease. Such a life story taken for today, maybe it will teach you something, maybe you will draw conclusions why you should make such a mistake, even though sometimes we have no choice. Now I am finishing my story and have a nice day.

 

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07 October 2020

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